Submissive Relationships

Ephesians has been a great book to study through. I just finished it this morning after a few months of study and it’s left me with much to chew on. I’ve had the topic of submission on my mind for about a week since it’s one of the last things Paul deals with in Ephesians. It’s not a fun topic, but mostly because it’s been misused and abused through the centuries. Yet even after having heard many teachings and sermons on submission, something new has popped out to me. Anyone who’s paid attention to the context knows that the thoughts about submission actually begin a few verses before verse 22. Here are the verses.

Ephesians 5:15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Verse three through twelve deal with things which believers should avoid: sexual immorality, impurity, covetousness, filthy talk, etc. In verse fifteen, Paul begins a section that basically says, “In light of these things you should be avoiding,” by opening with the words, “Look carefully then how you walk.” This phrase sets the context for everything that follows until 6:10, where he changes the thought one last time before ending the letter. The instructions in 15-21 include:

• walk wisely
• make the best use of time
• understand the will of the Lord

And then,

• be filled with the Spirit
• speak to each other with praises
• always be giving thanks
• submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

The first three instructions, in verses 15-17, are very general, grand scheme instructions. Left to themselves they would not be very helpful because there’s no explanation of how to accomplish these things. So Paul zooms in a little further in verses 18-21 by being more specific. The key command here is to be filled with the Spirit. This is key for everything which follows. Nothing which follows can be accomplished in the power of human effort. The Spirit filled activities of singing and speaking to each other with praises, offering continual thanks, and having a mutual submission to each other are impossible for the natural man to persist in doing.

Here’s where things may get controversial. The verses which follow – 5:22 – 6:9, all fall under the context of verse 21. Verse 21 plainly states that we all are to have a mutual submission to each other out of reverence for Christ. Therefore any talk about relationships in the following verses, must be interpreted in light of verse 21. Wives submit to their husbands. Husbands submit to their wives. Children submit to the parents. Parents submit to their children. Slaves submit to their masters. Masters submit to their slaves. This mutual submission which we should all have for each other must be a willing submission.

Wives Submit

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

I want to walk carefully here. Remembering that the submission which we display is mutual and willing, the submission a wife displays to here husband is not forced, it is not contrived, but rather it should come from a heart that loves her husband. Willing, loving submission is the only type of submission which will endure. And if I may say, it is the only kind of submission which may win over an unbelieving husband. The key here is “as to the Lord.” If there is ever any question about what submission should look like, it should be the same kind of submission you offer to Jesus; a willing, loving, honest submission. However in all of this talk of willing submission, we cannot forget that it is a mutual submission, which means the husband has a role in his wife’s submission.

Husbands Submit

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [1] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 ?€œTherefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.?€? 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

There is a reason that Paul has much more to say to husbands than he does to wives. Husbands have a larger responsibility in the mutually submissive relationship. If a wife is to willingly submit to her husband, it is the husband’s responsibility to make her submission willing. In other words, don’t be a jerk. If you love your wife the way you are commanded to love her, she will have no problems submitting to your leadership. How do you do this? You submit to her needs. If she needs a night away with her friends, let her have it and you watch the kids. You should submit to her gifts and talents. If she has a knack for financial thriftiness more than you, she should be the one (if she wants) to maintain the checkbook. This could even mean that your wife may have gifts and talents which allow her to make more money than you. Accept this and praise God that your wife is able to bring home the bacon that she brings home. Submit yourself to her gifts and talents and allow her to do the things which God has gifted her to do with a gracious heart. This equally goes for the wife as well. She should also submit to her husband’s gifts and talents. Mutual submission will make for a willing submission from both the husband and the wife.

Children Submit

6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 ?€œHonor your father and mother?€? (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 ?€œthat it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.?€? 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

It should not be necessary for me to sit here and extol the virtues of children obeying their parents. This should be very clear to us. Children should submit to their parents willingly because their parents love them and have understanding and wisdom which will protect them and keep them from unnecessary harm. However I concede that there are bad parents in the world which make the issue of obedience difficult at best, particularly when there is abuse occurring.

Parents Submit

I believe these verses actually have much more to say to parents. How do parents submit to their children? Parents are not to provoke the anger of their children. This doesn’t simply mean that we shouldn’t antagonize them. What is the thing which angers children the most? In my experience, the thing which angers my children the most is being told “no”. Now obviously, when we tell our children “no” we have a good reason. Right? Well, I think if we consider it, many of our “no’s” can be traced to selfishness. We tell our kids “no” when we don’t want to be bothered. We tell them “no” when it would be inconvenient for us. The fact is we tell our children “no” many times when there really is no good reason to say “no.” How many fits are thrown? How much anger is pent up because parents needlessly say “no” to things that really should be “yes”? As parents, if there is no good reason to say “no”, we should say “yes.” In doing so, we submit to the desires of our children, to their imaginations, to their need for interaction. And this builds up willing submission in our children when they are faced with the choice to obey or disobey. Yes, they will still be kids and disobey, but I am inclined to believe that if we submit to their needs, they will much more consistently choose to obey because we have consistently demonstrated our love for them in our submission to them.

Slaves and Masters Submit

5 Slaves, [1] obey your earthly masters [2] with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, 6 not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as servants [3] of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7 rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, 8 knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free. 9 Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master [4] and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.

Mutual submission may find no stranger bedfellows than between slaves and masters. For our context in 21st century America, the employee and employer relationship will substitute nicely. The Bible has Christian slaves and Christian masters in mind here, but these principles should apply to any employee or employer, Christian or not. Popular culture doesn’t portray the boss/employee relationship as one of mutual submission. But the Scripture is clear that mutual submission should exist between the employer and the employee. The employee should submit to the direction and orders which are received from his boss, and bosses should submit to the needs of his or her employees. This is a two way street, where if employees submit willingly, the boss will certainly be more inclined to submit and vice versa. Mutual submission has a part to play in every type of relationship we cultivate.

I hope this sheds some insight upon the dynamics of submission and what true submission should look like. For all of the good teaching I’ve heard over the years about husband and wife relationships and children, few, if any, took 5:21 and systematically applied it to all of the following verses which speak about our relationships, up to 6:9. It’s been helpful to me, and I hope it will be helpful to you. We must remember that all of this is Spirit enabled. Mutual submission is not something that flows from the natural man. Only the Spirit led, Spirit enabled, Spirit filled individual will be able to consistently walk in mutual submission in all of this relationships.

What We Really Need

My thoughts have been drawn toward our marriages very much lately. There are some among us who are struggling in their marriages, and my heart has been burdened. I’ve asked myself why. Why is this happening? We finished, last year, a great sermon series on marriage. There are numerous very good resources available today for people who are having marital problems. The men have Promise Keepers, the women have great teachers like Beth Moore, and others; all of whom have good teaching on how to have strong families. We’ve done the studies, we’ve heard the sermons, we’ve read the books, but still marital problems persist among God’s people. What is our problem?

I will submit to you that the problem we face is deeper than husband/wife relationships. Yes. The breakdown of husband/wife relationships is merely a symptom of the greater problem. It is the fever that tells us something is wrong inside. And trying to break the fever with cold cloths, ice packs, and bandages won’t take care of the real problem when the problem actually needs an entirely different treatment.

Here is my fear. I’m afraid that to fix our relationships we’ve trusted in great preaching; we’ve trusted in the latest, hottest Bible studies; we’ve trusted in the best-selling Christian books on marriage; but we have not individually – husband and wife – trusted Jesus Christ for healing. You may balk at that, but lets think clearly on this. Before the 20th century arrived, how did good marriages ever exist? There was no Focus on the Family, there were no Promise Keepers, there weren’t 10 best-selling books being written every year on how to fix your marriage and relationships. I mean, unless you were wealthy, most people only had a few books in their house, included in that number, a family Bible. Literally, all people had to rely on was Jesus. And He was (and is) enough. Now here in the 21st century we must ask ourselves, “What is our problem?”

Please hear my heart. I’m not against using the materials available to us to help our marriages. I’ve used them. Some of them are excellent. Some of them, not so much. Neither am I against seeking counseling. Many couples need an objective outsider to help them navigate the hurts and wounds that have been created. But here’s my point. With few exceptions, generally most marriages crumble at the fault of both husband and wife. So both husband and wife must humble themselves before Jesus if they wish to save their marriage. But not even for that reason. Each man and woman who calls themselves born again must humble themselves before Jesus because He deserves it. If you seek out Jesus just so He can save your marriage, your marriage will still ultimately fail. Jesus wants us to seek Him with no strings attached because He saved us, He loves us, and He is worthy of such devotion.

What we really need is an honest confession; a confession that leads us to the foot of the cross. If we are going to be a confessional people (and we should be) we must realize that the health and worth of every relationship to which we link ourselves will be a reciprocation of the relationship we have with Jesus Christ. Therefore, we must come to His cross, confessing our deep need of Him. We must confess our complete dependence upon His mercy and grace. We must also confess our rebellion against Him. And along with these confessions, we must repent and throw ourselves upon His mercy. It is then that we will be on the path to wholeness individually, and wholeness in our marriages.

On April 27, we will be having a special evening of worship. During this worship gathering, we will focus on Jesus and how He is our Groom. We will worship Him as our coming King, our coming Groom, and we will explore the significance of His relationship to the Church, His Bride. This will not be a time for in depth teaching, but rather a time to come and throw ourselves upon His mercy. It will be a time for us individually to confess and repent. If you are at a difficult time in your life right now, this perhaps is the opportunity God has made for you to come and seek His forgiveness and restoration. I pray you will attend, even if life is going well for you, come and worship the King with us as His Bride gathered.